It's funny how I feel drawn back to this blog when I'm feeling doubtful and wondering where to go next. I think it's because when I used to write here regularly it reminded me who I really am. Outside this blog I've run three websites relating to my business, I have a YouTube channel, I ran a Facebook group, posted in different social media and I had a podcast.
In short, I've tried many ways to find and express my voice; none of them felt genuine. Not like when I've written here about my day to day life, daytrips, holidays, cooking, gardening, craft projects and all the other things that have felt very beautiful to me.
I've learnt a lot about blogging for business in the past 3 years, and writing advertising copy. I'll summarise it: Be inspirational and authentic, and churn that out into blogs and social media content week on week.
What. The. Hell.
How can any of us live up to that? And should we?
The journey back to Crafty Blueberry started with burnout 13 months ago, includedng an entrapped nerve in my arm which, ironically, has stopped me crafting. I can now do a little sewing but it's stripped me of knitting and crochet, my obsession that made me so happy.
What surprised me was that along with feeling loss I felt relief. Don't get me wrong, I felt lost without crafting at first and searched hastily for a new hobby to fill the gap; but I'd never realised that as well as the entertainment, crafting had been another obsessive way for me to put pressure on myself to be productive and do more, more, more.
That captures how I've experienced much of my life: Through a self-imposed push to do more. Why? Because I believed I had to BE more. I as I am was never enough for me.
I think that's why so little of the writing or recordings I've done outside Crafty Blueberry have felt like they show the real me. They were emulating who I believed I should be, not coming up out of the real me.
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| Spring walk around Scammonden Reservoir |
For reasons I may go into another time, I've camouflaged myself for most of my life, and sometimes I've wondered who am I when I'm not playing a role or trying to be who I think I should be? I find that impossible to answer and I'm hoping that on this blog if I just write about what interests me and what I find beautiful, without trying to impress myself or anyone else, I'll find that woman.