After much procrastination I enrolled on an online course for a Certificate in Astrology yesterday with The Mayo School of Astrology. I've been interested in studying it for awhile but have been putting it off. I told myself this was because of the cost but I dug a little deeper and realised that the cost was just a smokescreen.
What was actually holding me back was fear. It seems obvious now of course but up until Saturday I'd managed to pretend that I wasn't at all scarred and I'd start the course in six months when I'd saved the money. But that didn't sit right so I thought about it, got in a muddle and finally did myself an Angel Card reading that helped me to clarify matters. The card related to letting go of past patterns and fears and moving forward. So that caused me to ask "What's really holding me back?". After all, I could pay for the course on my rarely used, low interest credit card and comfortably pay off large enough chunks that the debt would be gone pretty soon, long before finishing the course. I was scarred of making the commitment then changing my mind, scarred of failing, scarred of having to get myself organised and stick to a home study routine. I even felt guilty about spending so much money - my money - on something for myself. As soon as I pulled each fear out into the light they looked a little lame to be honest. The fear of commitment was much worse than actually making the decision because now I've made it I feel like a weight has been lifted. The fear of failure is based on past attempts at studying that havn't worked out, but when I think about it they've been things I've studied because I felt I should, not because I was really interested. As for being apprehensive about not being organised enough for home study - well my dear girl, the way it works is you get your arse in gear and you do it! I'm organised enough to excel at a varied and often pressurised job with six different people asking me fourteen different things at any one time, so I know really that I'm capable of being organised enough for home study.
As for the guilt over spending a chunk of money on myself - well, I'm generally very thrifty so it's ingrained to save rather than spend, but sometimes you have to, and since it's money I've earned and it's a course that interests me it's a worthwhile spend.
I feel happier now I've made the decision to do the course and am excited about studying. It feels so good to have stopped procrastinating! And it's a relief to have been honest with myself about it and admitted my fears. They're so much worse when they're vague and unidentified - when you look at them in the cold light of the day they're often not so bad.