Creativity is a way of life for me, which may sound pretentious but it true. It's not only that I've always made things, it's that I've always had to find my own way of doing things. My way of thinking isn't always liner or ordered; I struggle with learning knowledge in a structured way, making maths, grammar, spelling, game rules etc a mental wrestling match. My memory is appalling, and I rely on my diary, this blog and Mr CB to prompt me enough to remember places I've been, what I did and when. When information goes into my head it drifts around until it latches onto something or drifts out again immediately, and memorising something by going over and over it is a nightmare, each pass seeming to make the information more remote rather than more fixed.
I've always been this was so I've found ways to compensate. I may learn slowly but when I do get something I grasp it thoroughly, and although I've ended up having to drop some initial interests because the detail was beyond me, I've managed to see through many things I've wanted to do. The down side of this is that there are lots of people who are able to do things the expected, fast, rational way so I've spent my life getting snide comments from or - maybe worse? - pity when they see me trying.
 |
| Scarborough Castle |
The thing is I'm nearly 42 and I've been aware of those types of people since about age 5. That's 37 years of hearing people imply I'm dumb or a silly and amusing eccentric, which has given me ample opportunity to file their opinions away as 'evidence' that I really am stupid, even as I've pushed back and insisted that I'm not. That 'evidence' is the very nourishment that limiting beliefs need to flourish.
Limiting beliefs are, well, beliefs that we limit ourselves with. We don't set out to make them and maintain them, they just happen in response to what we take in about ourselves as we grow and live our lives. Most people carry a heavy load of them, and they can be so familiar that we don't see them, though we do feel the impact. We think our belief is how things really are, not s belief that can be challenged and changed but a fact of life.
One of my limiting beliefs has been: I try hard because I have to make up for being stupid.
That belief has driven me to work hard at qualifications, work, hobbies and life because I've had this conviction that I'm slow and difficult so I have to work doubly hard to keep up. What will happen if I don't? Why, I'll fail and everyone will know I'm a fraud of course.
Isn't it silly? Isn't it ridiculous that we hold onto these terrible things that we'd cry out about if we heard a good friend saying it about themselves?
 |
| Scarborough North Bay |
As a life coach I work with people dealing with limiting beliefs often, and they sit quietly, blending into the background of someone's life. But when they're revealed there's no ignoring them. That's the point I'm at with this particular limiting belief in myself. I hit a wall with it last weekend, to the point where I 'knew' that I'm stupid, that any smartness I've shown is just a lie and for one dark night I believed I didn't deserve anything I've earned or to do creative things. I briefly wanted to destroy my writing, drawing, journals, craft materials, books, everything.
Something happened then that gave me pause through and, looking back, was the small point that led me out of it. I had this urge to get rid of everything but I felt so heart heavy at the thought, and that a part of me was screaming out 'No!'. I went to bed very early, not knowing what else to do, and slept for a long time. The next day I felt bleak but not quite so bad; that outraged voice was a wasp buzzing under the sadness.
This week I've rested, reflected, done unrelated things, gone to work and drawn, baked and cut out a dress pattern. It turns out I couldn't resist, that creativity isn't a series of activities, it's how I live. I realised I don't have to be deserving and I don't have to measure myself against any standard at all. When you simply live a creative life because you can't do otherwise it's folly to ask 'Do I deserve this?' because you'll feel compelled to keep on living how you live anyway.
If you're a creative person or different thinker who has dark doubts about deserving the life you've crafted for yourself I can't tell you how to free yourself of that because everyone is so different, but I can at least tell you this: You're not alone.